KNOCK ON DOOR
Have you seen Howard? You can't have lost him yet - it's only breakfast!
He said he was going jogging!
In my living room?!
He lies! I haven't seen him, Pearl. I know you don't believe me.
It's nothing personal. I never believe any man.
That's sad, Pearl. Once upon a time you must've had a really bad romantic experience.
I did.
I got married! If you see him, tell him I'm looking for him.
He knows that. Wherever he is, he knows that.
It's a willow warbler.
And there's a wren in that bush over there.
It's been a while since I've looked through binoculars at anything that wasn't shooting at me.
I'm sorry. Would you like a peek through these? Oh, no. No, I daren't.
You daren't look through binoculars? It'd set up the old reflexes. Reflexes?
I used to be a sniper. If I start looking through a powerful lens...
the next thing you know somebody could be lying dead!
Well, I must be going... The thing you must remember about jungle warfare is silence.
I thought jungles were noisy.
Well, yeah, they are. THEY'RE noisy!
It was ME that had to be silent, you see.
No good being a trained killer if you troll about on your bicycle tinkling your bell, is it?
No, the natives used to call me
"He Who Disturbs No Leaf".
KNOCK ON DOOR See who that is.
Very good, sir.
It's a motorcyclist. Who is it?
Wearing a helmet, how can you tell?
It's nobody I know. KNOCKING AGAIN
Hadn't you better go and find out?
I'm not opening my door to any stranger!
He could be after my valuables!
So there I am - four feet from this enemy sentry.
There IS a moon, but it doesn't penetrate through the canopy.
I've got this knife between my teeth and I'm creeping nearer.
Forty minutes to move six inches! That's jungle craft for you!
Incredible! Well, I really must be going... And then,
I felt...the snake.
Where?
Slithering up me trouser leg.
A poisonous snake?
Listen, when they start crawling up there it hardly seems to matter!
So there I am, four feet from this sentry
and there's a snake crawling up me leg. Good heavens! What did you do?
What CAN you do? You loosen the top of your trousers and hope for the best! What happened?
His trousers fell down!
Do you mind?! I'm trying to explain to this gentleman here that I...
Hey up! There's Howard, jogging!
You call that jogging?
Looks fast enough to me.
Come off it, Howard! I bet tha got on a bus!
You'd better get home. Pearl's getting fidgety.
I don't see why she's so against healthy exercise!
You've no idea, have you, Howard? It's the leg action that's lacking.
You have to get a steady rhythm going!
Get a rhythm and stick with it!
Whatever you do, stick with it! MOTORBIKE ENGINE
Madhead!
The fool ought to have his licence endorsed.
If they can catch him. I nearly gave him a karate chop as he passed.
Give over! Tha were too busy panicking!
I deny panic. It was a fighting man's instinctive seeking for cover.
Aye, we've seen it - whenever it's tha turn to buy a round!
The man's a lunatic. I've never seen anybody ride a bike like that! I have.
The one person I know who'd ride a bike like that were Babs. Babs?
She was a warm 'un, were Babs. A real goer, on the road...
..and off!
Wait a minute. I can remember you had a girlfriend that drove a dumper on a building site.
That were Grace.
Amazing Grace?!
Listen, after eight pints she were!
Draw up a chair, Ivy!
I've better things to do than sit gossiping with you lot!
What makes you think I've got time to gossip with you lot?!
She were a good lass, were Babs. I often wonder what happened to her.
If she could survive YOU, the chances are she's fine!
You've had a racy love life - motorcyclists, dumper drivers...
I have, Norm. And then there were her on the buses. They used to call them clippies, bus conductresses.
Nah, she were a mechanic.
There he is again. That's the one that came to your house! I'm sure!
Why's he talking to Nora Batty?
Well, if he's been to YOUR house, he's probably asking where YOU are.
Look at him! Diving for cover again!
By 'eck! If there's one thing I can't stand, it's folk throwing their money about!
Why do you keep avoiding him if he's looking for you?
Well, I know the type that come looking for me -
the gas, the electric, the milk, the rent...AND Miller Brothers gents outfitters.
What do you owe him from Miller Brothers? I once bought a suit on tick.
When?
1957.
Don't you wonder who this motorcyclist is? Aye, I wonder who it is!
Well, WE could find out, couldn't we, Clegg? IF we were nosey enough.
Don't worry, I think we're nosey enough.
By, that looks as if it's done you good(!)
I think I've pulled a muscle. Pulled one?
You'd have to find one first!
This morning he was remembering some of his weird women. Oh, he's had some weird women.
Mind you, what else could he get?
One used to drive a dumper. Grace. He mentioned her this morning sitting at that table.
That's her, Grace. She needed a shave worse than he did!
Where other people hold hands, they used to arm wrestle.
And she beat him every time!
See if Nora's in the caff.
Hang about! It's not as easy as that!
All tha's got to do is peep through the window!
Listen, peeping at Nora Batty could be dangerous for your health.
You need to use all the available cover. Rule one - never show yourself to the enemy.
A rule some of us would do well to remember!
Should I have these invisibly mended?
Welded, possibly!
Listen, stay here and watch.
Down, boy!
Damn silly place to leave a dog! Does it bite?
Terrible!
Nora's in here.
Well, get off in there, then, and ask who it is looking for me.
Good day, ladies.
Where are the other two? Have you lost your troops?
Oh, they're not far away. Everything comes in threes!
Nora, I wonder if you could help me. There's a...rumour circulating
that someone in motorbike gear is looking for...someone we all know.
It's no rumour. Ah.
There's a motorcyclist looking for him.
It's a bit worrying when folk are looking for thee.
It's probably somebody selling something. Why should it be somebody selling summat?
Well, whenever somebody's looking for me, it's always somebody selling something.
What - selling something to me?
Maybe he got your name off a list.
Maybe he doesn't know that you're somebody whose trousers need welding.
He'll be in for a shock, then, eh? True. DOOR CLOSES
Well, did tha find out?
Oh, yes, I've found out.
Well, out with it, then!
Well, I think a little drink is called for first.
Well, is tha going to tell us or aren't thee?
I'm going to tell you.
He don't know. I bet he didn't find out anything. Well, if he did, he's making a meal of it.
Are you ready for this? Brace yourself.
I'm ready. I'm ready, for crying out loud! Who IS this fella what's looking for me?!
There isn't one.
We SAW him!
He was at the house!
There isn't a fella.
What's he talking about, Norm?
It's a lady. Correction - it's a female.
In motorcyclist's gear?
So Nora says.
It's Babs!
After all these years!
My little Babs...
is looking for me!
Where are we going?
I'm going to find Babs.
She looked very tall and burly to me. You sure you wouldn't rather be alone? Ah, come and meet Babs.
How do you know where she'll be?
I don't know where she'll be, but we used to meet in this place sometimes.
We had this very romantic spot.
# Oh, you must have been a beautiful baby
# You must have been a... #
He's very excitable for a small person. Am I going to be assaulted by ALL you boys?
Is it just him, or are you a team?
What a narrow escape!
Wearing motorcycle gear? Helmet and leathers. What did she look like?
You can't tell. Not with a helmet covering her face.
If it was one of his ex-girlfriends, she'll look terrible. They could all use a helmet covering their faces!
I know exactly what you mean!
I think it's romantic - an old love affair suddenly coming back to life.
The ones he was romantic with had too much life!
Didn't he have one who was a dumper driver?
Grace? I wouldn't mind, but that dumper made so much noise when she brought him home at night!
Is she the motorcyclist? No! This is another one! He's had some weird women!
Well, if he wants another, I know where he can find one!
And where is this romantic spot you used to go to? Here.
And this is it? This is your romantic spot?
Aye, this is it. Me and Babs spent some happy hours here.
Doing what? Looking for bits of her old motorbike.
She were rebuilding an old Norton.
I think that's lovely.
I can see it now. The two of you covered in oil, exchanging the odd tappet as a keepsake.
And sometimes, if it were raining, we used to take shelter under this old lorry.
It's pure poetry.
Well, she's not here now, is she? We'll wait.
BANGING What's that?
Listen...
MORE BANGING
CLATTER!
Hey up, lads! What are you lot doing here?
It's love's lost dream! Wesley, has tha seen a lass in biking gear?
A lass? She must be ninety! Give over!
There's been no-one down here in motorbike gear. Just as well! I've got to get dressed up a bit!
With what? Motorbike gear! It's the least I can do for her! Has tha got any motorbike gear?
Of course! What sort of person doesn't have motorbike gear?!
But our lass threw it out - just cos it was turning green!
So what he's looking for is a full suit, with boots and helmet.
To hire, not to buy.
Full suit, with boots and helmet.
Yes, I think we can manage that.
Why don't we wait outside? What's up with him? He looks nervous!
I AM nervous. He has no confidence in his sales resistance.
Don't say that! She'll have me for sure!
He thinks you'll sell him things he doesn't want.
Oh, there used to be a time I could do things like that, but your energy goes.
Don't believe her. It's a trick.
Pull yourself together, man.
Oh, I'm not the woman I used to be.
The powers are failing.
Customers just slip through your fingers...
Look! Both hands - empty!
Nothing up my sleeve! She didn't sell me anything! She must be slipping.
It's a matter of being firm. Well, not too firm.
I'd hate to think of him in there taking advantage of the old lady.
I don't think you need worry.
What are you doing in that?!
She said that's what I ordered - full suit, boots and helmet.
Take it back! We'll find you something else.
CRASH! Aaaaargh!
How much longer is he going to be?
He wants to impress his girlfriend. It's important to him.
How much longer are you going to be?! I'm coming! I'm coming!
Who's this old granny that rides a motorbike?
She WAS a Hell's Angel - until they threw her out for being too violent.
It's Babs. You remember him and Babs.
They used to meet in the junkyard by moonlight. Why moonlight?
It was against her religion to pay for the parts she was taking. SHUFFLING
# Da-da! Da-da-da! #
Gorgeous!
He looks like a knickerbocker glory! It's not bad! Almost as good as racing leathers!
I'm off, then. Where? The junkyard. She'll turn up there eventually. It were our lovers' lane, the junkyard.
I don't think I can take much more of this! You know your trouble?
Tha's never had a big love in tha life!
Not in a junkyard, that's true!
I love it down here! There's something about the scenery that gets to you!
Maybe the bloke in charge has seen something.
Maybe Babs has been and left a message. DOOR OPENS
Don't!
Oh, multiple customers! I like it! I like it!
I love it when they come in droves! Has there been a bus trip?
We are NOT customers!
Well, that's a nice thing to say to an old lady!
You sure you're not customers?
No, no. Oh, no. Definitely not. How long have you had this place?
Since the bloke who owned it couldn't afford to pay me what he owed me. Besides...
an old lady needs a bit of comfort in her old age.
You sure you're not customers? ALL: Oh, no!
I can usually tell. MOTORBIKE ENGINE
It's Babs!
Babs!
There goes another customer!
All right, Babs!
Not so fast! Not so fast, Babs!
Watch it, Babs!
Watch it! Mind the holes!
Let me off!
I give in! I give in!
Oh, help! Help! Aaaah!
I thought I heard somebody screaming!
It wasn't me, Howard. I've had nothing to scream about(!)
There WAS somebody screaming.
I think it was him on the back.
Well, I'm glad somebody's finding life exciting(!)
Is that what you want from life - excitement? I think it is, Howard.
I think it is.
Trouble is, I'm not sure I can afford a motorbike.
I knew it. I knew she'd get me in the end.
Stop grumbling. We've got a bargain here. What do we want with these bumpers?
Listen, we're better off than he is. He's got Babs.
Well, she saw YOU coming, didn't she?
Three things you can't escape in life -
death, taxes...
and Auntie Wainwright!
Cor, that Babs is too fast for me.
I'll stick with Nora Batty and her clothesline.
Oh, goodness! How am I going to get home like this?!
Got it!
Subtitles by BBC Scotland 1995